I figured I should write an update on myself like I used to when I started blogging. I missed having to treat this space as an online diary–a space to let out all my carefully articulated emotions, and ultimately cry on the process if not finish a whole tray of Doritos just to soothe my nerves.
October, out of all the months this year, has overwhelmed me the most. I never had such a surge of energy in my life and I almost feel like crawling back in my shell, scared of all the great things that suddenly came popping one after the other. It’s stupid and crazy I know. I should be grateful for every opportunity that came barging through my front door. But I couldn’t help but have these two voices in my head: One with the dragon fighting spirit that’s ecstatic and wants to take responsibility of everything, and another that wants absolutely nothing to do with anything. Is this just part of being a Gemini, or being a fickle woman who over-analyzes everything and concludes nothing in the end?
I needed to take a short hiatus to think things through and get in touch with what I really want versus the random things I push myself to do just cause. I think ten days of Dixie Chicks, Youtube Yoga and a little traipsing somewhere unfamiliar is enough to recover from the high spirits of October.
This is me naked, raw and unashamed. I hope I don’t infect anyone with how overanalytical I can get.
I think I’ve hit that moment where I’m re-evaluating my purpose in blogging. After exposing myself as a blogger to a couple of businesses that wanted an online presence through bloggers, I suddenly had these mixed feelings about all these blogger to business “business”. Although I’m feeling ecstatic and blessed to have gained their attention, I’m also having this weird feeling that I’m going to be another yellow minion working along the blogging factory.
THAT PRESS RELEASE THING
For a girl who hates doing things half-assed but is pressured to write about this and that (because apparently, after 4 years of blogging I’m still chasing after sponsors), I’m not sure I like posting press releases like most bloggers do, which is copy-paste.
Hey, don’t be offended if you love posting press releases verbatim. I mean, that’s how the company wants to be read about, right? But shouldn’t you worry about the hundreds of thousands of other bloggers doing the same thing? And everyone else is doing it for free? Where’s the justice in this? Unfortunately I, myself got sucked into the same “business” in hopes of pleasing and having future sponsor opportunities with the companies that sent their PRs.
What’s the purpose of press releases anyway? It’s a marketing strategy of certain companies to make themselves known through different media outlets, and one of those is with online influencers (bloggers). However in our end, sometimes in our sojourn to transcend our personal blogs into something profitable, we give in to these cheap and easy methods of copy pasting PRs, which in turn makes our blogs something like a fancy online Classified Ads page. It’s a phenomenon where companies take over your blog and suddenly you lose your identity as a blogger. Why did you start a blog in the first place? So you can copy and paste whatever any company sends you? No wonder there are a lot of blogger bloggerans now, who don’t really care about establishing their identity online just so they can attend events and get freebies under the title “Blogger”.
Actually, at first I’d write my own version of the press release sent to me. You know, give it a little WhateverBabe magic even though I haven’t touched or experienced anything from it. I wanted to invest as much “ME” in whatever I posted on my blog. However, as I browsed through a couple of blogger communities on Facebook, I saw these other bloggers sharing the same articles, and damn it even their titles and blog photos are the same. Nobody cared if someone already syndicated their same topic posts on the page. They will do the same until the whole page is filled with blog posts of the same topics from different bloggers.
Sadly, I gave in to this fad too. Now I find myself ridiculous.
I know I’m a little rebellious when it comes to how I want people to remember my blog. This is NOT a blog that announces a new skincare line on the market. This is NOT a blog that promotes upcoming events and mall sales. This is NOT a blog that posts #ootds and shopping hauls.
Unfortunately, those blogs that do, they get more readers. Oh well.
Sometimes I wonder if people really read blogs or are bloggers the only ones reading each others’ blogs. Just a wild thought.
Just to make things clear:
This is a blog that seeks to kill boredom. This is a blog that craves to share things that inspire curiosity and creativity. This is a blog that devotes itself to gratitude, happiness and self-development.
The question is, should I delete my copy-pasted articles? Should I push through with all my pending PR posts? Probably not anymore.
As much as possible, I want to connect my emotions with whatever I’m writing about. If I feel nothing about an event or product, for one, it is hard to write about it if you don’t really give a rat’s ass, and another, I find it a real waste of time and I’d just want to delete it later. I’m not that desperate for loot bags anyway.
I want all my posts to be readable even after 10 years. My blog doesn’t always have to be with the “In” crowd. I mean, I like it that way. I guess this blog is my form of self-expression the way I kill boredom and try my hardest to better myself at things. I don’t want to be another minion running around trying to get attention. Chasing after money in blogging certainly didn’t make me any happier.
Sorry for being over dramatic about this.
I am guilty of being too lazy to go to work and have dreamt of getting out of the corporate Walking Dead scenario. I have turned against my profession and am currently preoccupying myself with various things here and there, like I normally would. I draw art commissions. I learn how to cook and perfect recipes of my favorite dishes. I crack my head open trying to install the unofficial Sims 4 game while trying out web design. I reserved half of my year to studying Interior Design and now that I have lost that opportunity, I made myself a list chock full of random things to get busy about.
One of the big things I’ve been busy with lately is my training with an ESL company in Makati. Endorsed by my good friend who has been teaching English online for years now, I figured hey, I have a laptop, a good internet connection and darn it I can teach English, so I took the plunge and I’m feeling positive about this.
Seriously, at first I thought this is going to be so easy because I am confident in my English communication skills but on the floor, there’s a lot of multi-tasking to be done. I had to make a lot of small talk, listen for any errors, type the said errors with their corresponding corrections, all at the same time while still paying attention to what the student is talking about. Sometimes they talk too fast that I can feel my head throbbing with TMI. Plus the easiest words can be the hardest ones to define.
Learning how to teach English is something I never thought I’d find challenging. I needed to review all those high school Language lessons on subject-verb agreement, parallel sentences and whatnot. But generally, I love the experience of reconnecting with my favorite high school subject, and the feeling of actually working for something again even though I’ll be having a little more freedom in here compared to being a company worker. And I really love it when I get more when I work more compared to being paid the same rate whether I work hard or slack off. Did I mention this is a work at home thing? Maybe I can write a review about this in the future.
Last month, Mix got the call of the century from a company in Qatar he applied in not so long ago. He got the job, an engineer job. He was an architect, but being an engineer abroad is a high paying job nonetheless. The HR department signaled him to furnish his papers right away and fly to Qatar within the month to secure his post.
Like everyone else who dreams of securing a family financially, we have been praying for this opportunity for such a long time. And now that it happened, I knew I was in a state of shock, drenched in a pool of mixed emotions. I’m happy because my dream of being a real housewife is slowly coming to the picture (sorry, I really hate working) and anxious about how this long distance thing is going to affect our relationship.
Honestly, I didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t want to be too emotional about this because it will definitely compromise his decision to take this once in a lifetime opportunity. I also didn’t want to feel too okay about this because I know missing someone is such a shitty feeling, not to mention the anxiety behind not knowing anything going on in each others’ lives, the possibility of affairs and all the freaky things my genius open minded brain feeds me. But yeah, this is a blessing we have prayed for, for so long. I just have to be grateful and deal with it.
Last month I was also cramming a lot of things together: My godchild’s christening, Manila fame, Manila Fashion festival, Blogapalooza and a whole lot more. I ran around hoping for that golden opportunity to come and sweep me off my feet. Then one day I woke up and realized, this will be my first time dealing with a long distance relationship. I know it’s going to suck. It’s like I should have been chasing moments with him instead of chasing after my personal wants. I finally get it how Andy’s character in the Devil Wears Prada felt torn apart by her ambitions and her boyfriend. Same thing that happened to the young Carrie in the Carrie Diaries where she had to choose between her career and love life. Whatever happened to that anyway.
Sometimes opportunities come in two equally important choices where you almost always had to lose one if you choose another.
I sat down one cozy afternoon with my mom and I asked her how she handled a very long distance relationship with my dad. See, my dad has been working abroad all my life. He occasionally comes home to visit. The last 5 years he wasn’t able to come home because of an OFW scare in the Middle East where once you go out for a vacation, you won’t be able to come back anymore. Anyway, I asked for my mom’s advice because I really don’t know how to feel about this. And I’d really hate it if I get myself into an emotional blunder in the most conspicuous of places, like I did once after someone stupid decided to dump me.
I didn’t even cry as I watched him enter the lobby of the airport. Was that weird? Or were we both emotionally prepared for this? We spent every minute together in his final week here in the Philippines. The feeling is like eating your hog fill before your scheduled date of dieting. You won’t really feel like dieting that day.
“The first time he left for work, of course I cried. It’s normal. You know, your generation is fortunate you have Skype and Facebook. Even if you’re miles apart, you won’t be missing much from each other. Your dad and I used to exchange snail mails. Sending one took forever and I’d wait another month before I get a reply.” And secretly I’ve read a couple of those “postcards” that were hidden by my mom somewhere in our home in the province. Riveting, I know.
I remember Mix and I joked about this the night before his flight.
“What if we exchanged postcards?” It’s extremely cheesy and we simply laughed it off because it’s also ridiculously expensive. Our generation has Skype and Facebook. It’s free and easy. I guess communication really is the one thing that keeps an LDR alive. Now as I sit here typing these words after a brief Skype call with him, 5 days since he left for Qatar, I still think I should have spent more time with him last month. Time is the one thing you can never bring back but thank God for technology, right?
Separation anxiety happens when an infant becomes agitated when it loses touch of its mother. I guess we never grow out of the same dilemma when someone close leaves us. At first, we don’t even notice the change. We continue going through our lives as we normally would. Then after a while, we would look around searching for that familiar person who took care of us and when we couldn’t see them or touch them anymore, that’s when we start throwing a world class fit.
One afternoon, it just happened. One annoying tv commercial hit a spear through my unfeeling heart. I sobbed like a high school girl whose got her heart broken for the first time.
I hope I don’t get as dramatic like this in a long time.